“Clean” Banana Bread

 

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup melted Smart Balance buttery spread
• 1 cup ripe banana, smooshed or mashed
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• ½ cup Egg Beaters
• 1/3 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
• 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon Stevia powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup nuts, chopped

Directions

• Preheat oven to 350F and grease a 9×5 loaf pan.
• In a large bowl, mix together Smart Balance, bananas, vanilla, Egg Beaters, and unsweetened vanilla almond milk.
• In a medium bowl, combine the dry ingredients (flour, soda, stevia, salt).
• Mix the dry ingredients with the wet ingredients until just combined.
• Fold in the nuts.
• Pour into pan and bake for about 1 hour, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
• Let cool in the pan for a couple minutes to set, then remove from the pan and cool completely on a rack.

Soldiering On…

My Honey and I had a fabulous homecoming from his disappointing and scary motorcycle race, and my mum’s husband is out of the hospital and doing well.

I started an intense and highly selective leadership program, and we just returned from a very fun camping trip with friends… our first camping experience as a married couple and in the rain.  Nothin’ like snugglin’ up with your man while the thunder booms overhead and lightning flashes through the mesh windows.

I enjoyed the healthy stuff I brought for the trip, but I also indulged in some goodies brought by others: Oreos, Doritos and homemade s’mores, which we managed to cook over a damp fire in between rain showers.  I talked to my girlfriend a little about my weight gain and how I’ve been struggling for several months being 7 or so pounds up.  She said she couldn’t tell, which was nice… made even nicer by the fact that she’s extremely direct and would tell me straight up if she felt otherwise.  It was nice, along with being away from the computer and cell phone access, not to have a scale around and not to keep track of every morsel.  I felt free to just be me and do what I wanted to do with some moderating.

Returning to the real world this afternoon, I picked up the mail and found the latest issue of “More” magazine.  Candace Bushnell’s column really resonated.  Titled “Why I’m a beauty scrooge”, it details why she is against cosmetic surgery.  She relates a story in which, earlier in life, she’s offered a half-price boob job. Even with a huge discount, she couldn’t afford it, and she realized she was “…just going to have to soldier on” with her “…grossly imperfect body”.

That is EXACTLY how I feel on most days: that I am soldiering on with a grossly imperfect body.  It was wonderful to read that Candace Bushnell, an extremely successful writer and a “cougar” with a much younger boyfriend, has felt this way for years.  As she says, the message is “change your looks, and you can change your life”. 

Here’s the funny thing, though.  I have done that!  I have drastically changed my looks, and I have drastically changed my life.  It’s actually pretty darned amazing.  The life I’m living now is one I never even dreamed of.  It’s miraculous to me.  I am doing things personally and professionally that are exciting and challenging and notable.  I am making a difference in my community, and going on adventures, big and small, with my new husband.  My life has a surreal quality. 

Yet, I am still “soldiering on” when it comes to my looks.  There are days – after I see myself on TV or after I see a Facebook picture of a friend in a bikini who never let herself get fat and then had to fix it – that I am utterly devastated by what I see in the mirror… so much so that the urge to hide in the closet is nearly irresistible.  But, I soldier on, knowing that I cannot discount the love of my man by dissing what he sees as beautiful… knowing that my contribution to work is based on my skills and attitude, not my face or body shape… knowing that my support and appreciation of my friends and family has nothing to do with the size of my jeans. 

I hope to get past the soldiering.  It’s admirable but tiresome, and in my case, it’s wasteful of valuable energy.  It helps me live life fully, bringing me a kind of stubborn resolve to try that new thing “in spite of”, but it takes a toll at the same time, leeching joy and peace.

Instead, I hope to be able to truly embrace my transformation and appreciate its significance now… and what it will lead to in the future that I can’t yet see.  I guess I’ll keep soldiering on toward that goal.

Not a great night…

The wedding came and went a couple of weeks ago.  It was a great night… a fun, funky and relaxed event, just like we wanted it to be.  We also had tons of time with family in what could be a one-of-a-kind opportunity.

Now, though, I have to admit that I am missing not going on a honeymoon right away.  We didn’t get any time to celebrate our union, and I spent a lot of time taking care of other people for two weeks straight.  Then, my Honey had to leave town for work and then again for his motorcycle race team.

His racing event has not gone well, with some serious injuries and other less grievous mishaps, and I’ve been very supportive of him.  I’ve responded to every text, offered my sympathy and love, etc.  He, unfortunately, has not been able to return the favor when I tonight found out that my mum’s husband is in the hospital. Granted, he’s got a ton on his plate with this situation, but I have consistently been there as much I can while not being on site.

I’ve spent the last month making time for everyone else’s needs, actually spending very little time or attention on myself.  I did not have my hair done, or a massage, or my makeup or anything else.  I spent all my money and time on other people.  And then I’ve had to be flexible and understanding of my Honey’s time away.  These were all the right things to do, but tonight, I deserved some consideration in return, and I didn’t get it. I’m very hurt, and I’m angry.

I tried to explain to him gently and appropriately, but he still didn’t get it.  I hope he comes to understand because our relationship has to be built on mutual support… not one person’s troubles always taking priority over another’s. 

Naturally, when things like this come up, it makes me want to eat like crazy.  Considering that my weight is already up quite a bit from all the wedding antics and how hard I’ve been working to bring it down, this doesn’t help, and I resent that.  It’s not a great night.

Wedding Centerpieces

   

I’ve mostly completed 5 of the 10 vases I need for our centerpieces. I need to add some green paper fill to the tops and seal the edges of the paper wrapping the vases.  Otherwise, they’re basically done.  Gotta make a bunch more flowers and then place them.  I love how they’ve turned out!  I cannot wait to see them in the candlelight at the restaurant.  I think it will really bring out the sparkles. 

My only concern now is transporting them.  It’ll have to be handled delicately, but I now we’ll make it happen.

Snack “Baskets”

 I recently made drink holders for my folks to hold bottled water in their hotel rooms while they’re here for the wedding.  I wanted to give them some healthy snacks, too, so they wouldn’t be held hostage to ridiculous mini-bar prices.  So, I used the plastic boxes my wedding invite paper came in and decorated them in a fun and funky way.  I filled them with beef jerky, Bare Fruit cinnamon apples and pears, and assorted KIND bars.  I can’t wait to tuck them into the rooms and see the looks on my parents’ faces when they find them!

  

Minor Meltdown

I had a minor meltdown tonight.  My frustration with not being able to eat what I want when I want to overwhelmed me, and I kinda lost it. I cursed and stomped my feet and was generally miserable.  It’s hard on my fiance when I’m like that.  He understands more than most, as he struggles with overeating himself, but he doesn’t get the anger I feel about the hand I’ve been dealt in life when it comes to my physical body. 

I am so angry, so resentful that I have to fight so hard not to give in to my eating desires.  Why is this my curse?  Why don’t other people have this problem?  And for those who choose not to fight it, why are they seemingly so comfortable with that decision?? Why does everyone look at me like I have six heads when I try to explain the compulsion?  When I describe the fear of falling completely off the wagon and losing everything?  They think I’m overly obsessive, and even my fiance said the same thing tonight when we finally talked through my upset.  He’s tired of reiterating that he loves me for the inside but that he truly does think I’m beautiful and sexy.  I don’t blame him; I’m tired of the whole thing, too, and I know it’s irritating for him.

Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I just want to get away.  No one – not one person – in my circle understands how that feels.  My fiance thinks I want to get away from him when I want to leave.  It’s not that; I don’t want to leave him.  I want to leave myself behind.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that.  No matter where I go, there I am.

I don’t know how to get past this part of myself.  We keep rehashing it, and he wondered aloud tonight when we would stop having this same conversation.  He wasn’t particularly annoyed when he said it, but I can see that coming if I can’t overcome this. 

A lot of it, I know, has to do with stress and fatigue.  I haven’t been sleeping well at night, and along with managing wedding details and projects, my work has been extremely busy and intense.  Knowing all that, though, doesn’t make it easier.  I’m mad at myself for freaking out; I’m mad at myself for continuing to have this struggle; I’m mad at myself for taking it out on my fiance.  I’m just plain mad as hell.

I feel better now that my fiance and I have talked, but it’s not over.  These feelings are always within me; they just ebb and flow.  At some point, I will have to come up with a way to deal with it for good.  I just don’t know when or how.

Drink Holder Gift Baskets

 My mum and her husband, and my dad and his girlfriend, are both coming out for the wedding.  When my fiance and I travel, we often have to stock up on water and snacks for the room.  I thought it’d be nice to have some bottled water and healthy treats in my folks’ rooms.  And, then I saw this terrific idea in a crafts magazine: decorating Starbucks’ drink holders.  I’ve made two of them for the bottled water, and I’m so happy with how they turned out.    Next up, decorating baskets for the snacks.

  

I can relate…

I just read an excerpt of “Born Round: The Secret History of a Full-Time Eater” by Frank Bruni.  Wow!  SO much of it sounded familiar.  Never getting enough food, sneaking food, always being too big in comparison to my peers, throwing up after eating too much.

I’ve never approached full-fledged bulimia, but I have thrown up to purge the excess calories.  Interestingly enough, I never did it as a child or even a young adult.  It’s much more recent than that.  The first time was a couple of years ago, and I went through a period where I did it fairly regularly.  Then I would stop, and then when things got stressful, I would do it again for a spell. 

Mr. Bruni talks about finding a bathroom where he’d have privacy and giving his face time to calm down so that it didn’t reveal the signs of his vomitting.  I have done the same thing, sneaking into the bathroom in a restaurant, hoping no one that I knew walked in while I was throwing up, putting eye drops in to get rid of the redness before heading back to the table.

He doesn’t mention this, but I wonder if others have had a hard time making themselves throw up.  I’ve had times when, no matter how I tried, I couldn’t get anything up.  It’s maddening.  So frustrating to bring tears to my eyes with the effort, hacking and gagging, with nothing to show for it.

I haven’t done in it in several months, but it remains tempting, especially right now when my weight’s up 5 or so stubborn pounds.  I think that what keeps me from making it a habit is that I’m generally so health-conscious.  It’s hard to justify self-induced vomitting when I otherwise work diligently to take good care of myself.  But I definitely feel the pull of it.  It’s an appealing solution to a problem that frequently seems insurmountable.

The author describes his favorite foods like he’s writing a love story; he remembers every nuance: the texture, mouth feel, scent.  Food is like that for me, too.  It’s extraordinarily vivid and compelling.  He mentioned that he’d volunteer to clear the table so that he could lap up the remnants of dessert.  Me, too!  The author turned away from the scale in the doctor’s office.  Me, too!  I even went so far, when I got older, as to refuse to be weighed at all.

One thing I didn’t do was throw up when, as a child, I didn’t get the additional servings of food I wanted, which Mr. Bruni did.  That seems like very odd behavior to me, and yet it makes a weird kind of sense.  My relationship with food is so disordered that odd is normal.  It’s a struggle to relate to people who don’t feel an irresistible compulsion to eat.  I am bewildered by people who can leave food sitting in front of them without giving it a second thought once they’ve had their fill.  It’s foreign to me, truly foreign. 

While our stories are not exactly the same, I feel a kinship with Mr. Bruni.  I understand the torment, the fear, the shame, the turmoil that he’s lived with all his life.  I will be buying his book very soon.

Gliding on the Gazelle

It’s been an off week for P90X this week.  Work has been so busy, with meetings and outreach events during non-work hours, that it’s been really hard to fit in the DVD workouts.  Instead, I’ve been doing 30 minutes on Tony Little’s Gazelle.  It’s not nearly as intense as P90X, but at least it’s something.  My fiance has been home, and I can do the Gazelle while he’s home without waking him up super early or hogging the TV/DVD player at night.  It’s also a little more mindless after a crazy long day at work.

I may end up repeating the P90X program in the fall, after the wedding and after some of my evening work commitments have passed.

Wedding Cupcakes

  The Cupcakery did an awesome job of taking the embellishments from my invitations and incorporating them into cupcake designs.  They are colorful and sparkly.  I love them!

These samples are vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream frosting.  We are going to change up the flavors so that there’s one funky flavor per design, one of which will be peanut butter.  I’m not sure what the others will be yet, but they’re sure to be unusual and yum-o-licious!