I Resisted!

I often get food cravings at night, especially when I’m stressed or otherwise more emotional than usual.  Last night, regret was bringing me down, making me melancholy. 

I went to bed with my calories on target.  I woke up in the middle of the night, though, with a nearly overwhelming urge to eat Fiber One bars.  They are low-calorie and high-fiber, but they are like candy bars: it’s very hard to eat just one.  They have that crunchy sweetness that is so relaxing to me when I’m upset.  I tossed and turned, trying to forget about the bars and go back to sleep.  That didn’t work, so I got up, washed my face, brushed my hair and went back to bed.  Then, I laid there, telling myself I didn’t need them… that this, too, would pass. 

It worked!  I resisted the compulsion to eat ‘em!  I finally drifted off to sleep… no bars needed.  I woke this morning feeling cheerful and victorious, which is a great way to start the day.  Yay!

The Hula Hoop Girl

Tonight was classic car night at our favorite bar.  There was a rock-a-billy band playing, and they had a go-go dancer who hula hooped her heart out in a bra top, frilly panties and cowboy boots.  She was amazing, keeping that hula hoop going song after song.  Eventually, the bra top came of,  and she twirled what God gave her with gusto and pasties covering up the key parts.

I was impressed by her prowess with the hoop, but watching her made me melancholy.  She had a nice, slightly rounded figure with pale, smooth skin.  She has not done to herself what I did for all those years when I ate my way to oblivion.  As proud as I am now of what I’ve accomplished, I remain disappointed that I let my body become what it became. 

At my highest weight, I was about 50 more than when I started Weight Watchers in 2002.  That means I’ve actually lost around 167 pounds all together.  I don’t quote that as my weight loss total because I never allowed myself to be weighed back then, so I’m not exactly sure what my highest number was.  Regardless, the impact of all those extra pounds on my body is not fixable through diet and exercise alone.  For me to return to some semblance of a normal naked body means I have to have cosmetic surgery, and that doesn’t fit well with my fiscal plan.

I’m angry at myself that I took for granted the gift I’d been given, that I treated my one and only body so poorly.  And, now, when I’ve worked so hard to lose weight and get in shape and feel confident and proud, I can’t wear a bikini or do a semi-nude hula hoop dance for my man. 

I hope the Hula Hoop Girl knows what she’s got and values it, treasures it, takes care of it.  I know for a fact that you can’t get back later on after you realize your mistake… not unless you’ve got a boatload of cash laying around or a rich sponsor.  So many of us devalue our physical selves, taking the tone, texture and firmness for granted.  I wish I had it to do over again, but that can never be.  Nights like tonight are a sad reminder.