What If?

January 27, 2008 at 5:29 am Leave a comment

“What if it were easy to get what you think you really want?”

Charlotte’s post on The Great Fitness Experiment continues with:

“What if you were your goal weight or size? Would being a size zero (or whatever) make you any happier than you are now? Would it change who you are?”

The obvious answer seems to be an emphatic “Yes! Of course!”, but it’s not that easy. I’ve been struggling lately with happiness with whom I am and where I’m at now. I have achieved SO much. Losing 114 pounds is transformative, revolutionary, life-altering. And, yet, I’m still me with all my Fat Girl hang-ups and even some hang-ups that have nothing to do with my weight.

For me, the answer to these questions is “yes” and “no”. Yes, I am happier being a fit size 6 than I was as an out-of-shape 22/24. I am confident and relaxed when I meet people because I’m not worried about them judging me on my size or my looks. I’m physically confident, too, which means I’m open to new activities that present themselves. I know what my body can do, and I’m not afraid to try something different. The best part, though, is that the real me – happy, fun, excited to experience life and all its adventures – shines through more readily now.

No, I’m not happier in that I continue to tussle with my self-esteem overall. The sense of being defective merchandise lingers. There are a lot of “yes, but”s – “yes, I’ve lost all this weight, but I still don’t look great naked”… “yes, I have amazing diet-and-exercise discipline, but I’m not eating enough vegetables or doing enough weight training.” Sometimes it feels like it’s never enough, like I will never be able to do enough to make myself okay.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just part of the journey. We are not living in a TV show; our problems are not resolved in 60 minutes (or 40 without commercials!). Our roads wind and twist and turn back on themselves before moving us further along to our destinations.

The one thing I know for sure is that I’d rather be walking this road at the size and fitness level I am now. I know I can tackle whatever challenges lie ahead and look pretty good doing it! J


Entry filed under: coping strategies, self image, Weight Loss Philosophy. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

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