Coffee with a Friend

February 4, 2008 at 3:16 am 1 comment

Today I met one of my girlfriends for coffee at Starbucks.  We do that every couple of weeks to catch up.  This time there was more than usual to catch up on.  She has started a new job, reunited with her boyfriend and is in the process of buying a house.  All very exciting stuff.

My stuff wasn’t quite as exciting.  Having started my new job in mid-October and moved into my new place at the end of November, my news is old news for the most part, although, Saturday, I did host my first brunch ever, which was pretty nifty.

In the course of conversation, I shared the “ordeal” I suffered earlier in the week with the Mexican food and then pizza that my BF ordered.  I mentioned that we were planning to go to Mexico in April for a motorcycle trip and how nervous I was about being in my bathing suit with the hot women that seem to always accompany men and bikes.  She shook her head.  She told me that many of our group of friends commented on how good I looked in my swimsuit in July when we all celebrated the 4th by the pool.  She said, “You know, I’m a little worried about you.  You just don’t see it.”

She went on to tell me that I look great and that she hopes that I will get to the point where I can eat a cookie or a few slices of pizza without fretting about it.  She said she didn’t want to upset me, and that she didn’t think it was a problem now, but that she was concerned I would never feel like I could stop, that I would never feel like I could just maintain.  After I shared the pizza-and-breadstick story, she laughed and said, “The next time we’re out, I’m going to hold you down and shove a breadstick in your mouth.”

I appreciated her concern and recognized that it took some guts for her to talk to me about it.  It’s not easy to be candid with friends about these kinds of things.  I sometimes worry, too.  I cannot slip up without feeling really, really bad.  It’s nearly impossible for me to have any emotional perspective on it, even though intellectually I know that it’s natural and I will recover from it.  I get very anxious and depressed when I “let myself down” by not eating low-calorie enough.  It’s a struggle not to let the emotions show.  I try not to say too much to my BF because that kind of obsessiveness is draining on those who love you.  They can’t validate you every second of the day, and they want to be around someone who’s cheerful and upbeat about life… which, thankfully, I generally am. 

Part of the problem is that, when I look in the mirror, I see Round Girl.  I don’t see Fat Girl, but I definitely see Round Girl who is pleasingly plump, except that it’s not so pleasing to me.  I can’t help but think if I could just work harder, lose a little bit more, I would be a better person.  Again, I know it’s not rational, but it’s there. 

How much more do I want to lose?  Can I stop now at 114 pounds gone?  My immediate answer is “no”.  I don’t feel finished.  I don’t look great naked, so I feel I must continue.  For now, that’s not a problem.  My weight is fine; I am by no means too thin.  My BMI is in the high end of the normal range.  But, the risk is there for taking it too far, which is partly what my girlfriend was getting at.

She was also getting at enjoyment of life.  Stressing over eating a little too much just isn’t worth it.  “Eat it and enjoy it” was the crux of her message.  If I was talking to someone else, I’d say the same thing to them… and I’d mean it.  Problem is, I can’t seem to say it – and mean it – to myself. 

Entry filed under: about me, coping strategies, friends, self image, Starbucks. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

She Don’t Tell Me To When in Doubt, Throw it Out

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Sharon  |  February 6, 2008 at 11:52 pm

    My friend, allow me to tell you a little something I heard recently and this is a direct comment about your concerns about how you look in a bathing suit. Remember Mary’s GORGEOUS husband Paul? You know, the guy who takes your breath away just by looking at him and he’s clueless to that? He saw your recent pictures and asked Mary who that was. When she told him it was you his reply was, “She’s HOTTTTTT!!!!!”


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