More Than Hot

February 22, 2008 at 6:29 am Leave a comment

Back in Skinny Jeans has a weekly segment called “Your Two Cents”, and this week’s topic is Trophy Spouses.  Steph writes:

“…the benchmarks for “trophy” spouse status was generally beauty & hotness for wives, and money & power for husbands. In terms of BISJ, it got me thinking if many of us are (consciously or subconsciously) trying and wanting to be thin & pretty because a part of us wants to be considered a coveted societal trophy.”

I’m a bit ashamed to admit it, but I am one of those women wanting to be thin and pretty in order to be considered a societal “hottie”. That’s not why I started my lifestyle change, but it’s definitely a motivating factor. For SO long, I was Fat Girl with the Pretty Face. I always had more attractive girlfriends, and guys would constantly ask me about them, not about me. It was beyond discouraging; it was demoralizing.

Recently, I’ve been described as “hot” by some of my BF’s friends as well as longtime male friends who knew me in my Fat Girl days. I am delighted when I hear that! Thrilled, actually! I still find it hard to believe. Given my history, it seems impossible that it’s me they’re describing that way.

It’s also wonderful that my BF can feel proud when he’s with me not just because I’m a great person (which I’ve always been told), but because I look good, too, and am desirable to others.

It shouldn’t matter. It’s truly what’s inside that counts; it’s what’s inside that allows relationships to last and flourish. My BF feels the same way and would not be with me if I was just an attractive body with no personality, brains or humanity.

Still, would he be with me if I didn’t look the way I do now? Would he have seen the inner beauty of Fat Girl? I highly doubt it. I was about 15 pounds heavier when we started going out, so he obviously isn’t fixated on weight. But, if he had met me back in 2002, I am certain he would not have seen me as a potential love interest.

On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be “hot”. Our culture is disproportionately focused on looks, and attractive women are rewarded for their appeal in a myriad of ways. What defines attractiveness, though, constantly fluctuates, and much of it is derived from how you see yourself and how present yourself based on that internal vision. Getting too caught up in being “hot” can lead to a downward spiral of obsession with chasing the ideal look.

From now on, when someone describes me as “hot”, I’m going to take a moment to genuinely appreciate it; then I’m going to let it go. Instead, I will expend my psychic energies on celebrating all the wonderful aspects of myself – physical and otherwise – that make me the uniquely terrific person and partner I am. J

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