Yikes! My crib flooded twice!

September 18, 2008 at 3:26 am Leave a comment

My place has flooded twice.  What’re the odds?!?!  I wasn’t home the first time, but I was home today when it happened again.  I ran into the hallway where water was gushing from my air conditioning unit onto the tile floor, and promptly fell hard on my back.  At first I didn’t feel anything, but tonight, after all the workmen have left and things have calmed down marginally, I am sore and achy and down.

I’ve been trying to look on the bright side, the same way I did the first time.  My cat and hamster are unharmed.  My furniture and artwork and other important items are undamaged.  I have hot and cold running water, and my toilets work.  No A/C this time, but it’s finally starting to cool down here.  My landlord, who had offered me a discount on the rent the first time, is now waiving next month’s rent entirely.  Considering that all the repair expense is on him, I very much appreciate the recognition that my space has been thrown into turmoil and that I’ve had to take at least one vacation day from work.  It was the right thing to do, but he sure didn’t have to do it. 

Despite all the positives, though, I’m bummed out.  My BF is away, working in another state this week.  I always miss him, but I miss him even more at this moment.  I handled it all just fine, but I wish he was here to hug and kiss.

I’m even more bummed out by something unrelated that happened this afternoon.  In the process of the workmen pulling up the baseboards, they cut the wire to the modem’s power supply.  I especially need the modem with my current job because it allows me to check e-mail when I’m not at work.  I deal with the media, and timely responses are critical.  So, access to the Internet and e-mail are critical.  Anyway, I had some questions about replacing the power supply, and my BF was unavailable when I phoned.  So, while I was waiting for him to call me back, I popped into a clothing store I’d never tried before.  It was like a discount Bebe, and I liked a lot of what I saw… sexy, youthful stuff that I could never wear until recently.  When I went to try a couple of items on, I encountered a communal dressing room.  What?!  I’ve never experienced one of those before.  It was kinda creepy, but I bucked up and undressed among strangers. 

Here’s the bummer: seeing so many nearly naked “real” women that were young, little, and attractive – with wall-to-wall mirrors bouncing the images around the room – was a huge downer.  I was extremely discouraged, so much so that I text my BF and told him he should really dump me and get himself a hot young thing with a tight ass instead.  He answered that I was insane, that I was totally beautiful and that he was madly in love with me.  Isn’t he the best?!  Still, as much as I appreciated his wonderful response (that I don’t quite believe, btw), I remained – and continue to be – heartily depressed.  My body is not bad at all for 39, especially now that I’ve had a “literal” transformation.  But, I felt unbearably repulsive… too hideous to even look at.  The feeling lingers now, and I’m not sure how to get through it other than to weather the storm, so to speak, hoping it passes soon.

The logical part of my brain knows that my reaction probably has a lot to do with the flooding: feeling discouraged, frustrated by chaotic surroundings, and unable to control my circumstances.  Knowing that doesn’t help much, unfortunately.  I still feel terribly ugly, and I desperately want to eat, eat, eat to calm down and feel better.  I haven’t done it.  Fingers crossed that I don’t because it won’t help and it’ll make me feel worse.

It amazes me how I continue to feel “not good enough”.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I do, it’s not enough, never enough.  It feels like *I* will never be enough no matter what anyone tells me.  That’s a dangerous place to be.  Live in that place enough, and you can drive away those who love you.  Luckily, I don’t seem to get stuck there too long, or I am able keep the feelings enough at bay that I’m not pushing my BF away every day.  It’s one more thing to overcome.  I wish it was just gone for good.

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Entry filed under: about me, coping strategies, self image.

“Healthy” Binge Snap out of it!

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