Distracted by life and feeling frustrated with my eating

April 15, 2009 at 3:00 am Leave a comment

It’s been a month since I posted.  Yowsa!  That’s way too long.  Life has intervened, though, distracting me from my writing.  And, truthfully, sometimes I’m not sure what to say.  How much can I talk about diet and exercise, especially when I don’t feel like I’m succeeding at them?  I hate to be negative; I want to be inspiring and uplifting, not a Gloomy Gus.

My pole classes have been tremendously rewarding, but sometimes they’re frustrating, too. I often feel like I’m not progressing as quickly as I should, especially since I auditioned for – and won a spot on – the studio’s dance team.  I haven’t yet been able to perform in public, even though I’ve attended every single rehearsal and given it my all.  They think I have “massive potential”, but I’m not quite there yet.  It’s hard not to feel badly about it when most of the other girls have had their chance to shine.  And, now the paying gig, the one that launched the team concept in the first place, looks like it’s going away.  In its place, we’re doing “Get Ready for the Stage”, where we’ll essentially put on an adult dance recital for family and friends.  I’m excited to do that, but it’s not the same as getting paid to dance.  That’s my ultimate goal: I want to get paid to dance professionally… just once. 

Otherwise, wedding plans have consumed a lot of my mind, not to mention Skyping with my fiance after pole class.  By the time we’ve finished talking, I’m beat… ready for bed, not for typing. 

My weight’s been up a litle more than I’d like, and I once again find myself discouraged by that.  I remind myself that it goes in cycles, that it’s hard to stay the course perfectly when you have so much going on.  But it doesn’t really help.  I still feel like a failure and frustrated with myself.  I also get scared, really scared, about falling off the wagon entirely.  Now that the wedding is coming, I feel even more pressure… which irritates me further because I hate giving in to all that mental wedding hoopla!!

Plus, I have started doing TV work for my job, and seeing myself on the “big screen” has thrown me for a loop.  After I see my video, I’m so disgusted that I want to call off the wedding, which naturally doesn’t go over well with my fiance.  Poor guy… I’m just a tad neurotic, and he bears the brunt of it.  Thank goodness he loves me!  🙂

The thing is… life is actually really good for me right now.  My work is awesome, and doing the TV stuff is a huge opportunity.  I have been very well received and gotten lots of positive feedback, despite my feeling that I should be wearing a bag over my head.  My body’s in the best condition it’s ever been in.  Even though my weight is higher than I’d like, I am still wearing a size 4 in tailored suits, which is fantastic at nearly 40 years old.  My friends are terrific.  My fiance is an amazing man; our love is extraordinary, and we are going to be married!  We’ve found the place; I’ve found the dress, and tonight I found the elements for a rockin’ invitation that I’m making myself.  How great is that?!?!  I am learning to fly with him to boot!  Life truly is wondrous. 

And yet… I still get down and upset about my weight, my looks.  I feel like things hang by a tenuous thread that can be snapped at any moment if I am not continuously vigilant.  Ah well… it’s probably the stress talking.  Although things are good, there’s still a lot of stuff going on.  Managing stuff, even when it’s positive stuff, is exhausting and stressful.  Once again, I guess I’ve got to cut myself some slack and try to chill a bit.


Entry filed under: about me, coping strategies.

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