Minor Meltdown

July 23, 2009 at 4:22 am Leave a comment

I had a minor meltdown tonight.  My frustration with not being able to eat what I want when I want to overwhelmed me, and I kinda lost it. I cursed and stomped my feet and was generally miserable.  It’s hard on my fiance when I’m like that.  He understands more than most, as he struggles with overeating himself, but he doesn’t get the anger I feel about the hand I’ve been dealt in life when it comes to my physical body. 

I am so angry, so resentful that I have to fight so hard not to give in to my eating desires.  Why is this my curse?  Why don’t other people have this problem?  And for those who choose not to fight it, why are they seemingly so comfortable with that decision?? Why does everyone look at me like I have six heads when I try to explain the compulsion?  When I describe the fear of falling completely off the wagon and losing everything?  They think I’m overly obsessive, and even my fiance said the same thing tonight when we finally talked through my upset.  He’s tired of reiterating that he loves me for the inside but that he truly does think I’m beautiful and sexy.  I don’t blame him; I’m tired of the whole thing, too, and I know it’s irritating for him.

Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I just want to get away.  No one – not one person – in my circle understands how that feels.  My fiance thinks I want to get away from him when I want to leave.  It’s not that; I don’t want to leave him.  I want to leave myself behind.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that.  No matter where I go, there I am.

I don’t know how to get past this part of myself.  We keep rehashing it, and he wondered aloud tonight when we would stop having this same conversation.  He wasn’t particularly annoyed when he said it, but I can see that coming if I can’t overcome this. 

A lot of it, I know, has to do with stress and fatigue.  I haven’t been sleeping well at night, and along with managing wedding details and projects, my work has been extremely busy and intense.  Knowing all that, though, doesn’t make it easier.  I’m mad at myself for freaking out; I’m mad at myself for continuing to have this struggle; I’m mad at myself for taking it out on my fiance.  I’m just plain mad as hell.

I feel better now that my fiance and I have talked, but it’s not over.  These feelings are always within me; they just ebb and flow.  At some point, I will have to come up with a way to deal with it for good.  I just don’t know when or how.


Entry filed under: about me, coping strategies.

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